GUEST POST: The Last Temptation of Bishop Thurmond

Posted on May 18, 2012 by Jennifer

Zena over at Random Fartings has a delectable way with words and pastries. She shares her sweet gift with yet another delicious chapter in the secret life of Molly, the temptress who drives poor tormented Bishop Thurmond wild with her flaky cream-filled proxy.

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Bishop Raymond Thurmond rested his elbows on his desk and frantically clutched his head in his hands as he thought about the box of doughnuts in his desk drawer. They called to him, taunting him with their sweet creaminess. Just like her lips…and that tongue. He bet she could tie a cherry stem with that tongue. No, no! He must resist! Hymns…hymns…must sing some hymns.

Cum, cum ye saints…no…

Hold to my rod, my iron hard rod… Oh, no!

High on her mountain top…I need thee every hour…Nearer my bod to thee…How firm her foundation…For the strength of her hills…Gently raise my sacred strain…

OH, HOLY FETCH!

It was no use! That Molly Monson-Marriott was a devil incarnate. She possessed his mind with her sweet pastry! She flaunted her chocolate-painted toenails at church and when she had taken the sacrament bread last Sunday he was sure she had flicked her tongue at him! He could tell by the neckline of her garments that she wore TWO PIECE! (His wife had told him that the most chaste of women wore the one piece and that’s what she wore. Day and night. He thought she might even shower in them but he wasn’t sure, having never seen her shower.)

He clutched his head tighter as if to squeeze that hussy’s red-haired image from his mind. He was being tried and tempted almost beyond his capacity to resist. His natural man yearned and craved so fiercely!

Roughly grabbing the handle of the drawer, he yanked it open and pulled out that box, the very embodiment (or maybe impastriment?) of sin and temptation. The bishop tentatively extended a finger and poked at the chocolate glazed top. He ran his finger around the hauntingly triangular shape, pausing at the hole where the cream had been deposited. It felt so soft, so warm. So irresistibly inviting. A sob escaped with a rush of air from his lungs as he scooped up the doughy goodness and shoved it in his mouth. Moaning, sucking and slurping, the sweetness burning his throat, the cream oozing and coating his lips, smearing around his mouth.

The heavy wooden door to the office burst open and his counselors and clerk tumbled in

“Bishop! Bishop, are you alright?” Three shocked faces stared at poor Bishop Thurmond, his combover standing wildly on end, his red face smeared with sticky goo, still breathing heavily, eyes unfocused.

Slowly backing as a group to the doorway, three pair of eyes darted around the room, seeing no one but the disheveled man behind the desk.

Masturbation Tip #13: Nurture Your Inner Dorky Narcissist

Posted on May 16, 2012 by Jennifer

Mwa – stwabation …

Lead the crowd in super funny pranks, like forcibly cutting the hair of anyone you suspect of engaging in sins against nature. If asked about such hilarity years later, giggle and pretend you don’t remember shearing those bleached blond locks. Especially if you’re running for president of the United States. Oh, and fire the illegals doing your yard work.

A few years ago, one of Utah’s news stations redesigned its set to (I presume) reflect and harmonize more with the local culture. The most prominent new addition is a huge window that separates the news anchors from a busy street in downtown Salt Lake City. The news team sit with their backs to the window. During every broadcast, locals (locos?) position themselves on the street side of the window and enthusiastically perform various dorkish antics that they believe are super cute and make them look attractive and intelligent.

Most jump up and down like children on a sugar high (think Stewart from Mad TV). Keep in mind that by and large, most of these people are, technically, adults. I’ve seen everything from chicken costumes to super heroes wearing tights (p.s.: You know who you are, and it’s not attractive. Rilly.).

What does this have to do with masturbation, you ask? Well, weren’t you wondering what Mormons do for fun?

Which is a perfect segue into Mark E. Petersen next helpful suggestion on how to suppress all natural urges and thereby conclude that wearing a chicken suit while dancing in front of a window = a super fun time; and forcibly cutting the gay guy’s hair is tooo funny!

From Mark E. Petersen’s seminal masturpiece, A Guide to Self-Control:

13. Change in behavior and attitude is most easily achieved through a changed self-image. Spend time every day imagining yourself strong and in control, easily overcoming tempting situations.

– Yeah. You heard him. Dress up like Batman and do the funky chicken on Channel 2.

Now write down these previous tips 100 times:

12. Set goals of abstinence, begin with a day, then a week, month, year and finally commit to never doing it again. Until you commit yourself to NEVER AGAIN you will always be open to temptation.

11. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

10. Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise. The exercises reduce emotional tension and depression and are absolutely basic to the solution of this problem. Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.

9. Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.

8. Pray. But when you pray, don’t pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for the Missionaries, the General Authorities, your friends, your families, but keep the problem out of your mind by not mentioning it ever — not in conversation with others, not in your prayers. Keep it out of your mind!

7. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books — Church books — Scriptures — Sermons of the Brethren. Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels — Matthew, Mark, Luke and John — above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities.

6. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember — “First a thought, then an act.” The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act.

5. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, get out of bed and go into the kitchen and fix yourself a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you get your mind on something else. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.

4. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts, and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.

3. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress and then get out of the bathroom into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

2. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don’t suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken out of your mind for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

Fantasy Friday — Sister Banta Goes Back to Church on Mother’s Day

Posted on May 11, 2012 by Donna

Scene: The chapel of the White and Delightsome Ward at the end of the Mother’s Day Sacrament Meeting.

The sisters have just endured a “Mother’s Day” program that included a youth speaker whose topic was, “Mommies are Silly,” a Relief Society sister who scolded the women for not hand sewing their children’s underwear, a performance of Praise to the Man by an all male chorus, and a talk from a member of the High Council entitled “Under the Priesthood.”

The bishop now asks all of the sisters to stand to receive this year’s “thank you gift” — a package of radish seeds attached to a card that reads, “Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

The sisters stand, and the Aaronic Priesthood begins to pass out the gifts. Then all of a sudden there is a commotion in the chapel as the women empty the pews and dash for the back door where:

Sister Banta is pouring mimosas and passing out dirty videos that feature men doing wildly erotic and taboo things like — gasp — cooking and chores.

The women retire to an undisclosed location for the remainder of the day.

***Note to Ahab: If your offer in my other comment field is still good, we can meet you later for beer and espresso around the bonfire.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!